Saturday, June 26, 2010

2010's highlights so far

I am feeling bad, I didn't get enough sleep, my back hurts, and I am feeling depressed. So I am going to write a list of the best parts of the year so far.

• Fanime
• Blue Oyster Cult Live
• Metal Gear Solid: Peace Walker
• Nick hanging out
• Ben Moving back in
• Rediscovering OCRemix
• Finishing texturing Myth TFL, Chimera, and the PRASP maps.
• Watching e3
• Helping Ben Move out
• Machinarium
• Getting a Bike
• Riding the bike to town and back
• Finding the secret spot to walk to
• Exploring Santa's Village
• Seeing Halo 2 online off
• Making new friends
• Seeing Herman's Hermits Live

More later?

Sunday, June 6, 2010


You know, as sad as I get, one feeling I've always retained was "Well, there's always tomorrow." That feeling that, tomorrow could always be better than today was. That tomorrow could have something fun in store.

For the first time I that I know of, I felt otherwise. I felt like, I just didn't care today was bad, tomorrow is going to be bad. I didn't feel like I had anything to look forward to. The sun will rise, I will wake up, feel negative, and stressed, probably get talked at, find reasons to feel bad, and go to sleep. I felt like things were going to get worse, and I wasn't just kidding myself about it.

Even when I have felt horrible before, if I tell myself that things are going to get worse, I know I am lying to myself, and I just feel bad, no this time, it was something different. Something, worse?

Truth be told, it scared me that I felt that way, and that I noticed it right away, that I felt that way. It's been a few days now, and you know what, I feel, at best marginally better. I can still pull a smile, and a joke, but as soon as I am doing talking, I feel myself being pulled back into just feeling very bleak.

I find myself mentally snapping at everyone and no one, and I know that I really can't explain this to anyone. Either I jog in, and tell people about how shitty I feel, thus spoiling their moods, and the whole situation, or I keep it to myself and appear an angsty 'leave-him-alone'. I can't win, and I don't even think there is a 'win' to tis situation.

And yeah, I am sill a jealous bitch, nothing changed here, still just as angry and depressed as always due to it. I feel so screwed up inside right now, I am single, and everyone I know or hang out with have people they like, or can at least snuggle with, while nerdy, doofy, stupid little me is nothing more then a walking joke. Laugh laugh smile smile, and return to the conversation. No one needs to pay you anymore then you earned, and you can't complain because you really can't offer more than what you provide. You are stuck, like a track on repeat, doomed to replay the same series of notes over and over.

I sat today, in a fight with myself of wanting to both cry and not at the same time. I shed some damp eyes, but didn't end up crying. As usual, the times I feel it could be most useful, and nothing. Sounds like a great metaphor for me.

I felt like screaming today, I wished I had had a chance, even to scream into a pillow, or at a wall. I just felt like it, I was so angry and sad, and I am not sure if anyone even noticed, and if they did, I don't think anyone cared.

I feel like just saying "fuck it" to everything.

Wednesday, May 12, 2010


A letter to myself:

"Open your eyes. see for yourself, as the laws of cause and effect hold together the universe, so to do they hold together people. You've let jealousy cloud your vision, and fill the space that might have otherwise been filled with self improvement and the forward momentum of your life. You looked at things, seeing what you wanted to, and missing what you didn't want to see.

You took the easy route, blaming others, and not looking at what could be your fault. With that state of mind, you can easily get away without needing to blame yourself, or even bat an eye at what you should or shouldn't have done. But, this thought pattern won't serve you well in life. You wonder why A goes before B, and not right before C, well, it's simple. A and B are simply closer, and willing to do more for each other, to be there in a pinch, to talk them out of funks, or share bonding with. As C, this is something you haven't learned, and instead, look at B and wonder why that can't be you. "Why can't I have the benefits that B has become accustomed to?" Because you only want the good benefits, and don't want to take the bad along with it.

Instead, you just shut it away, B is more charismatic, B is a different letter, B is just luckier. Not looking at the full picture, that maybe you are not able or willing to take the same steps to get to the same place as B. And no, you will never be B, but, like B, you could enjoy the company of D if you put your mind to it. Stop staying in your comfort zone, take chances, and be willing to do things you'd rather not, for others.

You are so good at coming up with personal excuses, of why you shouldn't or can't do something. Maybe sometimes they are true, maybe not. But you shouldn't let these excuses run your life as much as they do, put yourself out there and do things before you have an excuse to not do them. Sure you'll make mistakes, but isn't that life? Everyone makes mistakes, it's unavoidable, even when it comes to hurting others.

And yes, I know, I know you hate hurting others, that you would rather suffer yourself before hurting another, and it's probably one of the reasons you can't find a new girlfriend, or make any deep connections. You're just too afraid of hurting others. Now, I understand why you feel that way, you love people, you love your friends, and you would do anything for them. But you have think about yourself once in a while. Don't stop at the crosswalk, and wait for the world to pass, if it means missing your meeting, it's fine to let people cross, but you are a person too, and just like them, you also have a destination. Don't forget that."

Monday, March 29, 2010


And then, suddenly, out of nowhere, I felt shitty.

Yeah, so I've not been feeling tip top lately, but in the past few hours, it feels like someone mentally dumped a bucket of ice water on me, just for no reason I started to feel really depressed.

A watched pot doesn't boil. I know, but I can't help watch the pot that is myself being single. It's really difficult to just not think about it. I was able to put it out of mind for nearly a year, but whenever it was... January sometime, it hit me, and I've been painfully lonely ever since, I don't think a day goes by I can't think about it.

It doesn't help that I am a clutz at meeting anyone new, and don't make a good first impression.

Also, why is it so hard to think about just the complements that I've received? I know it's not the hugest list, if we are talking about real ones, and not just "good job."

blah, I need to... Like, I dunno.

Shit, what I wouldn't give to be able to just lay on someone and hug/snuggle with them.

Monday, March 22, 2010


I said before I have trouble looking in people's eyes.

Today I was in the bathroom, and I looked in the large mirror, at myself, and said "Hi Chris, how are you feeling?"

And I realized I was unable to keep eye contact with MYSELF in a mirror.

Am I that hopeless?

Okay, hold on 'me.'

So, here I am wondering how well I did at something. Before I had done that something, I was stressing to the point of... Well.... I was just stressing a lot.

So now that it's over, I felt like it went pretty well.

I was really worried about, in the situation, starting a fight, being really stuck up, feeling depressed in the corner, being mean, ect.

Now, I finally ask someone, and I found out that while, no, I didn't do any of those really.. I unintentionally wasn't very nice to someone.

The road splits here.

I feel like I should be good about, while not being perfect, having tried my best, and knowing that I couldn't have done any better.

But on the other side, I feel like I shouldn't be able to have those feelings when it's another person's mind/mood/feelings we are talking about.

And without even taking the time to decide I feel that my insides are starting the wheels turning that will lead me to the other side.

When this happens, I start to feel like "Well, do you really have the RIGHT to think that you could walk away and not feel guilty? Do you think it's fair?"

And while I can make points about how "It was unintentional. If I had known, I wouldn't have acted that way. I did my best, and it's over with now, in the future, I can know what to do differently." But these fall on deaf internal ears, as internal faces just sigh, and look down, and face away.

I don't know what to feel.

Saturday, March 13, 2010

Common-sense is kicking back in.

I dunno, I feel like I am going back to 'normal'.

I don't know if 'Normal' means I have lower expectations and don't stress about important things, but it's nice to not be stressing/worrying all of the time.

I hope things can improve, heck, I know they can. While I am not feeling as down, I still recognize the situation I am in. I just feel like maybe now, I can actually make a difference to it.

Wish me luck.

Sunday, March 7, 2010

Not to waste another post about music...

But Coraline also has an amazing soundtrack, I love it. )

What makes me special...

How come it is so hard for me to create an identity for myself? I swear, I just can't do it.

I feel like all my friends stand out in some way or another, how we talk about them when they are not around, fondly, about times we shared with them, or about little personality traits that make us smile, or laugh. I don't think people really talk about me in the same way in my absence.... Or maybe they get a laugh when the mention bad puns, but pleh, is that all I am to be remembered by?

I hope not.

Why is it so difficult for me to look people in the eyes?

I seriously feel like I am 6 again and if someone looks in my eyes for long enough I'll melt.

Or something.

It's really hard to keep eye contact with anyone lately. Like months now's 'lately'. It's weird, I feel... shy.. Like, embarrassed or something. I don't understand it though. I don't feel I have anything to be embarrassed over....

It's not personal, okay? I really want to look into your eyes, but my brain is fighting against me.

UbiSoft's DRM sucks

Though besides saying that, I agree with Penny Arcade on the subject:

Friday, March 5, 2010

Tim Burton's Alice

Ah, oh well. That's about what I thought it was going to be.

It's a shame, but at least I wasn't over excited for it. :/

Now, Maybe I should go play some American McGee's Alice. :P

Portal 2

Looks good but where's my PS3 version? ;(

Thursday, March 4, 2010

Discovery is an amazing album

And as strange as the movie and artstyle for Interstella 5555 is, it made me love the album even more.

Good movie + Good album = Happy fox.

I just don't know anything. :P

I keep realizing that I know practically nothing about certain things. The one I had in mind today, was sex ed. I really don't know how things work. I suppose never having had sex, or really thinking about having sex until now would probably do this to me.

/methinks I should start reading about it, or something.

And yeah, 3 relationships, no sex. I need to chill the fuck out, and loose some of the 'shy' that seems to curse me.

I feel that now, I might be able to have a better relationship, though I really should learn a bit more about some things...

-come on me, chill out.

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Man, I love the FMA music

I put my music library on random, and a song from FullMetal Alchemist came up. I forgot how good the music was in that...

It was like, raining and snowing, omg!

I admit having never been in real snow myself, it doesn't take much to make me freak out over snow.

I hiked in snow and rain today, and I was totally giddy, I was bouncing around and grinning a lot. It was so cool. No pun intended.

I was just so happy, even though I was cold. :D

Man, everytime I am around people talking about sex...

I feel fookin' lonely.

And dorky.

Okay, yeah, I'm excited.

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Oi, calm down mate.

"Oi, calm down there mate. You really are trying to push things too hard. Just calm down. The harder you try to make friends, get a girlfriend, move things ahead, the harder it will become to achieve them.

Again, you are simply pushing yourself too hard to be a better person, to live up to the expectations set by yourself that are unreasonable. As you push yourself, you see that things aren't changing because you are focusing too hard on what you want, not the steps it takes to make it there, and as you fumble, and cease to progress things feel more and more hopeless.

It's easy to be depressed when you can see the failures behind you, but don't let that drag you down to a point where failures are all that you can achieve.

You may think that having a job and going to collage is going to be difficult for someone as immature as you, but look, look at the people that have already gotten jobs, and have gone to collage, there are people younger then you (As I know this really hurts you inside, to know it), there are people much less mature then you, people that have trouble learning. Jeez, even people that aren't able to write or do math on anything more then a basic level.

You can do this. Repeat that to yourself while you look into your eyes in a mirror. Know that you can."

- Me, to me.

I wanna do _something_

Yet, in my mind 'something' is undefined. I am sure if I tried to do almost anything it wouldn't fill in for 'something'.

Bleah, I hate this feeling.

/does something.


It's just one of those days, I suppose... Where nothing really goes according to plan. Everything is just a little off.

- S I G H -

This site makes me very, very happy.

I love this picture

Personal thought and instinct?

Okay, so I've been single for over a year, and it's obviously getting to me, in both a personal way, and an instinctual way.

I feel like my body is telling me "Yo, go find a girl" and my mind is telling me "Man, for your own good, it would be nice to have someone lie on, and snuggle with"

For a long time I've felt that surrendering to instinct is a sign that you don't have the brainpower to adhere to reason, and logic.

Maybe I really was more lost then I thought I was though. People are people, and it's only natural to follow instinct sometimes, even if you need to keep rational thought in mind.

Also, I think I need to chill the fuck out sometimes.

And absolutely no one was watching...

Monday, March 1, 2010



That one question...

While I tend to be pretty deep thought, and counter-mainstream, everyone has a few spots about them..

I have this one question, that, if I say it aloud or read it in my head, it feels so painfully mainstream, and not me. Yet it still stays in my head...

"Would you still hang out with me if it weren't for my company?" The question if people would still even want to hang out with me, if it weren't for where I live, what I own, and the people around me.

I almost don't want to know the answer to that question though.

I know that people really care about me, and probably would hang out with me no matter what, but it's just one of those stupid things that bothers me when it shouldn't.

So, uh... Not sure..

Okay, so I look at all my friends, and I see promise, I can see how they will do well, how people will like them, how people of the opposite gender will like them (Or the same gender, if they are into it).

So why is it so hard for me to look at myself in the same way? I try so hard, and I've not been able to think that in quite a while. I suppose due to the way I've been depressed, and bored, my mind is stuck on subjects that wont let me just rest. *sigh*

"People will love you for who you are, don't change into another person to fit someone else's wishes, because then you wont be happy."

Yet, I am having trouble believing that anyone would fall for me now. Sure people did before, but the older you get, the higher are people's standards, and I feel I simply do not live up to anyone's standards at the age I am.

"You're beautiful" "You're a nice person" "You're awesome"

Well, for the first one, I don't know what to think. I've never really heard this from anyone except my parents. And even if it's true, what's it done for me? pfft.

For the second, I have found it hard to believe, because I keep ending up hurting people despite my best efforts to not do as such. I wish I knew how some people pull of being so nice...

For the third, again, I have to say, it doesn't really get me anywhere. Yay, I am supposedly awesome.

And Single.

Awkward to talk to sometimes.

Not very interesting.

Difficult to have deep conversations with.

Sunday, February 28, 2010

Ever get the feeling...

Man, when looking at the world, do you get the feeling that things really are as nuts as some people make it out to be?

I was reading some conspiracy theories on things. (I know, I know, I was wiki-jumping.)

It makes you wonder, how this modern world is really run sometimes.

If it is close to what we as a public sees, or if there's a lot more behind the curtain...

/I was gonna write more, but I was distracted, will probably write more later.

So I'm curious...

In the situation where there are people around you pretty much 90%+ of the time, and they are in groups... Well, what is the best solution to this:

I end up feeling shitty, and I am in a crowd of happy people playing games or talking. Do I try to talk to one, and possibly make them awkward, or bring their mood down? Do I try to talk to the group? Or do I just grin and bear it?

I've been going with the later, as I do hate brining the mood down. I really like seeing people happy, and it hurts me so much to make others unhappy.

So what _is_ the solution?

I think I need to change

Okay, so seriously, it's been half of forever since I wrote anything blog like, and half again forever to the third power since I wrote one I shared with anyone/and or even saved.

I am doing.. I would say well, but to be honest, I don't even fully know.

Backstory: I had been feeling pretty down about being single, that's normal, I however use any negative feelings as a gateway drug to start thinking of much more negative things, so I was basically caught in the in ditch of depressed thoughts that my mind creates.

Then I get a revelation, while I had thought about it before, it didn't click exactly until then though. I need to change, as much as I hate it... I know, I don't like trying new things, I am unbelievably shy in some ways, this included. I know I can do it, and I don't want anyone to push me, but I am having trouble testing the waters myself.

I think the realization came the same day as something else. That day, I felt really awful mentally, then I started to feel sick physically, and learned that someone that I was starting to crush on was going out with someone. All in all, probably not the best day.

So, yes, I know I need to change, it's just stepping that's the issue. :P

/rant rant /blog blog

Medium standards wins.

If you have high standards, nothing is ever your way, and you are never happy.
If you have low standards, you don't make it anywhere, and are generally unhappy.

I suppose that's life.

More blogs, goddamnit

I don't know why, but I keep creating blogs with specific perposes, meaning I have what, 3 gaming blogs or something? Pfft.

Well, this is personal and unpersonal. My blog, for whatever reason, to dump quotes, pictures, and personal rants.

Also, for dishing out hate at non-people. :)