Sunday, June 6, 2010


You know, as sad as I get, one feeling I've always retained was "Well, there's always tomorrow." That feeling that, tomorrow could always be better than today was. That tomorrow could have something fun in store.

For the first time I that I know of, I felt otherwise. I felt like, I just didn't care today was bad, tomorrow is going to be bad. I didn't feel like I had anything to look forward to. The sun will rise, I will wake up, feel negative, and stressed, probably get talked at, find reasons to feel bad, and go to sleep. I felt like things were going to get worse, and I wasn't just kidding myself about it.

Even when I have felt horrible before, if I tell myself that things are going to get worse, I know I am lying to myself, and I just feel bad, no this time, it was something different. Something, worse?

Truth be told, it scared me that I felt that way, and that I noticed it right away, that I felt that way. It's been a few days now, and you know what, I feel, at best marginally better. I can still pull a smile, and a joke, but as soon as I am doing talking, I feel myself being pulled back into just feeling very bleak.

I find myself mentally snapping at everyone and no one, and I know that I really can't explain this to anyone. Either I jog in, and tell people about how shitty I feel, thus spoiling their moods, and the whole situation, or I keep it to myself and appear an angsty 'leave-him-alone'. I can't win, and I don't even think there is a 'win' to tis situation.

And yeah, I am sill a jealous bitch, nothing changed here, still just as angry and depressed as always due to it. I feel so screwed up inside right now, I am single, and everyone I know or hang out with have people they like, or can at least snuggle with, while nerdy, doofy, stupid little me is nothing more then a walking joke. Laugh laugh smile smile, and return to the conversation. No one needs to pay you anymore then you earned, and you can't complain because you really can't offer more than what you provide. You are stuck, like a track on repeat, doomed to replay the same series of notes over and over.

I sat today, in a fight with myself of wanting to both cry and not at the same time. I shed some damp eyes, but didn't end up crying. As usual, the times I feel it could be most useful, and nothing. Sounds like a great metaphor for me.

I felt like screaming today, I wished I had had a chance, even to scream into a pillow, or at a wall. I just felt like it, I was so angry and sad, and I am not sure if anyone even noticed, and if they did, I don't think anyone cared.

I feel like just saying "fuck it" to everything.

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