2010's highlights so far

I am feeling bad, I didn't get enough sleep, my back hurts, and I am feeling depressed. So I am going to write a list of the best parts of the year so far.

• Fanime

• Blue Oyster Cult Live

• Metal Gear Solid: Peace Walker

• Nick hanging out

• Ben Moving back in

• Rediscovering OCRemix

• Finishing texturing Myth TFL, Chimera, and the PRASP maps.

• Watching e3

• Helping Ben Move out

• Machinarium

• Getting a Bike

• Riding the bike to town and back

• Finding the secret spot to walk to

• Exploring Santa's Village

• Seeing Halo 2 online off

• Making new friends

• Seeing Herman's Hermits Live

More later?

ssdfdsd

You know, as sad as I get, one feeling I've always retained was "Well, there's always tomorrow." That feeling that, tomorrow could always be better than today was. That tomorrow could have something fun in store.

For the first time I that I know of, I felt otherwise. I felt like, I just didn't care today was bad, tomorrow is going to be bad. I didn't feel like I had anything to look forward to. The sun will rise, I will wake up, feel negative, and stressed, probably get talked at, find reasons to feel bad, and go to sleep. I felt like things were going to get worse, and I wasn't just kidding myself about it.

Even when I have felt horrible before, if I tell myself that things are going to get worse, I know I am lying to myself, and I just feel bad, no this time, it was something different. Something, worse?

Truth be told, it scared me that I felt that way, and that I noticed it right away, that I felt that way. It's been a few days now, and you know what, I feel, at best marginally better. I can still pull a smile, and a joke, but as soon as I am doing talking, I feel myself being pulled back into just feeling very bleak.

I find myself mentally snapping at everyone and no one, and I know that I really can't explain this to anyone. Either I jog in, and tell people about how shitty I feel, thus spoiling their moods, and the whole situation, or I keep it to myself and appear an angsty 'leave-him-alone'. I can't win, and I don't even think there is a 'win' to tis situation.

And yeah, I am sill a jealous bitch, nothing changed here, still just as angry and depressed as always due to it. I feel so screwed up inside right now, I am single, and everyone I know or hang out with have people they like, or can at least snuggle with, while nerdy, doofy, stupid little me is nothing more then a walking joke. Laugh laugh smile smile, and return to the conversation. No one needs to pay you anymore then you earned, and you can't complain because you really can't offer more than what you provide. You are stuck, like a track on repeat, doomed to replay the same series of notes over and over.

I sat today, in a fight with myself of wanting to both cry and not at the same time. I shed some damp eyes, but didn't end up crying. As usual, the times I feel it could be most useful, and nothing. Sounds like a great metaphor for me.

I felt like screaming today, I wished I had had a chance, even to scream into a pillow, or at a wall. I just felt like it, I was so angry and sad, and I am not sure if anyone even noticed, and if they did, I don't think anyone cared.

I feel like just saying "fuck it" to everything.

Jealousy.

A letter to myself:

"Open your eyes. see for yourself, as the laws of cause and effect hold together the universe, so to do they hold together people. You've let jealousy cloud your vision, and fill the space that might have otherwise been filled with self improvement and the forward momentum of your life. You looked at things, seeing what you wanted to, and missing what you didn't want to see.

You took the easy route, blaming others, and not looking at what could be your fault. With that state of mind, you can easily get away without needing to blame yourself, or even bat an eye at what you should or shouldn't have done. But, this thought pattern won't serve you well in life. You wonder why A goes before B, and not right before C, well, it's simple. A and B are simply closer, and willing to do more for each other, to be there in a pinch, to talk them out of funks, or share bonding with. As C, this is something you haven't learned, and instead, look at B and wonder why that can't be you. "Why can't I have the benefits that B has become accustomed to?" Because you only want the good benefits, and don't want to take the bad along with it.

Instead, you just shut it away, B is more charismatic, B is a different letter, B is just luckier. Not looking at the full picture, that maybe you are not able or willing to take the same steps to get to the same place as B. And no, you will never be B, but, like B, you could enjoy the company of D if you put your mind to it. Stop staying in your comfort zone, take chances, and be willing to do things you'd rather not, for others.

You are so good at coming up with personal excuses, of why you shouldn't or can't do something. Maybe sometimes they are true, maybe not. But you shouldn't let these excuses run your life as much as they do, put yourself out there and do things before you have an excuse to not do them. Sure you'll make mistakes, but isn't that life? Everyone makes mistakes, it's unavoidable, even when it comes to hurting others.

And yes, I know, I know you hate hurting others, that you would rather suffer yourself before hurting another, and it's probably one of the reasons you can't find a new girlfriend, or make any deep connections. You're just too afraid of hurting others. Now, I understand why you feel that way, you love people, you love your friends, and you would do anything for them. But you have think about yourself once in a while. Don't stop at the crosswalk, and wait for the world to pass, if it means missing your meeting, it's fine to let people cross, but you are a person too, and just like them, you also have a destination. Don't forget that."

Meh.

And then, suddenly, out of nowhere, I felt shitty.

Yeah, so I've not been feeling tip top lately, but in the past few hours, it feels like someone mentally dumped a bucket of ice water on me, just for no reason I started to feel really depressed.

A watched pot doesn't boil. I know, but I can't help watch the pot that is myself being single. It's really difficult to just not think about it. I was able to put it out of mind for nearly a year, but whenever it was... January sometime, it hit me, and I've been painfully lonely ever since, I don't think a day goes by I can't think about it.

It doesn't help that I am a clutz at meeting anyone new, and don't make a good first impression.

Also, why is it so hard to think about just the complements that I've received? I know it's not the hugest list, if we are talking about real ones, and not just "good job."

blah, I need to... Like, I dunno.

Shit, what I wouldn't give to be able to just lay on someone and hug/snuggle with them.

Eyes

I said before I have trouble looking in people's eyes.

Today I was in the bathroom, and I looked in the large mirror, at myself, and said "Hi Chris, how are you feeling?"

And I realized I was unable to keep eye contact with MYSELF in a mirror.

Am I that hopeless?

Okay, hold on 'me.'

So, here I am wondering how well I did at something. Before I had done that something, I was stressing to the point of... Well.... I was just stressing a lot.

So now that it's over, I felt like it went pretty well.

I was really worried about, in the situation, starting a fight, being really stuck up, feeling depressed in the corner, being mean, ect.

Now, I finally ask someone, and I found out that while, no, I didn't do any of those really.. I unintentionally wasn't very nice to someone.

The road splits here.

I feel like I should be good about, while not being perfect, having tried my best, and knowing that I couldn't have done any better.

But on the other side, I feel like I shouldn't be able to have those feelings when it's another person's mind/mood/feelings we are talking about.

And without even taking the time to decide I feel that my insides are starting the wheels turning that will lead me to the other side.

When this happens, I start to feel like "Well, do you really have the RIGHT to think that you could walk away and not feel guilty? Do you think it's fair?"

And while I can make points about how "It was unintentional. If I had known, I wouldn't have acted that way. I did my best, and it's over with now, in the future, I can know what to do differently." But these fall on deaf internal ears, as internal faces just sigh, and look down, and face away.

I don't know what to feel.

Common-sense is kicking back in.

I dunno, I feel like I am going back to 'normal'.

I don't know if 'Normal' means I have lower expectations and don't stress about important things, but it's nice to not be stressing/worrying all of the time.

I hope things can improve, heck, I know they can. While I am not feeling as down, I still recognize the situation I am in. I just feel like maybe now, I can actually make a difference to it.

Wish me luck.